Do any of you really know what fear is? Terror, fright, horror, panic, alarm, dread….. yes, all that, but also the feeling of it physically affecting your body….shaking….quivering….sweating….tightening of muscles….. like stepping inside a scary horror flick.
Washing the the evening dishes, staring at my reflection in the darkened window, I would feel the fear creeping up the back of my neck. The little hairs would be stiff and goosebumps covering me. I would fight it off and force it down deep but it was there. My body would be on high alert… waiting…the fear creeping in. I could just feel the knife being driven between my shoulder blades in my mind. I was waiting for it the last six months of my marriage. Waiting for the moment when would he just completely snap and kill me. It wouldn’t be when I expected it. It would be a surprise attack. He would just be in a schizophrenic manic episode and snap. That’s how it would happen in my mind. I couldn’t stand by waiting for it. I had to think about my girls. If he killed me, he would be the only parent left. I couldn’t let that happen. He was getting more violent those last months.. I had to be there for my girls….always the protector and buffer between them and their father. Who would be there if not me? I feared him, his evil, and his mental illness.