Stupid Me

Yes, stupid me. That is the simple true answer to the question of why I stayed. It really hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized how easily he lied to and manipulated me.  I stupidly believed every single thing he said.Sometimes, I am just standing there and a random memory enters my head and I realize…he lied. He used me. He manipulated me.  My face literally turns red in shame in the remembering. The emotions of embarrassment and humiliation hit me like a huge boulder falling on me and crushing me. I am the stupidest person on the planet.  So dumb, trusting, naive…. just stupid. I believed stupidly that I was controlling the chaos around me. I was holding everything in place. It was the opposite though. I believed everyone was looking at me with admiration and respect for supporting my husband. They weren’t.  It was pity and ridicule in their eyes. I was completely clueless for the entire thirty-five years we were together.  I always believed the best. I was weary with the weight of it.  I gave him the total benefit of the doubt every time.  Stupid me.

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