Army of One

Three things.  It was three things that happened in the last remnants of what remained of my marriage that I couldn’t forgive you for.  I spent thirty plus years forgiving everything you ever did. Those last three things ended our marriage. Attacking our daughter, attacking my brother, and  your explosive behavior at work that landed you a three year restraining order and cost our family thousands of dollars, humiliated your family,  and ended your police career. When I saw you chase our daughter down the hall as if she were me, it frightened me. You could’ve hurt her. You definitely scarred her memories.  I could never ever allow even a remote possibility of you putting your hands on her. When did your rage become so uncontrollable that it spilled onto whoever was there at the time?When it was no longer just hurting me and began manifesting itself at people I love, like our children and my brother, I knew I couldn’t stay.  It was just over.

I was so naive at eighteen.  I expected marriage to be supporting each other with kindness and respect. Sharing burdens and joys. Then came you and your army of one.  You and your shiny, black steel-toed boots stomped all over my idealistic, youthful dreams. You left deep angry bruises on my soul. My heart is like a frozen hunk of meat on a cold day.  I’m trying to let it thaw and feel the beat of life again.  It’s hard though.  Trust is not easy.  I’ve stripped my life to the bare minimum of trust. I question everyone’s intentions, even my own. I’m just not sure what normal is.  I just know I want it so badly. I just want a normal life….

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