Everything I did, he criticized. Everything I was, he criticized. Every hope I had for myself, he criticized. I enjoyed a lot of different games before him. It was fun to hit a tennis ball back and forth. He cured me of that by hitting me hard with a tennis ball and throwing his racquet at me. I never played again after that.   And I used to play yahtzee into the wee hours of the early morning at a slumber party or cards. After having the cards thrown at me in anger multiple times, I permanently lost the desire to play. He would also cheat like crazy and think it was so maliciously fun. Monopoly and other board games used to be so much fun in my childhood.  Not so much after having the board and pieces upturned and pitched at me.  I haven’t been able to play a game in 30 years atleast. Negative reinforcement works.  I have never played a game of any kind with my children who are 19 and 24 now.  He took that away from me way before they were born. He sucked the enjoyment out of any activity from washing the car to jogging to going to the beach or zoo. I couldn’t wash the car correctly because I was supposed to hold the sponge a specific way and use clockwise circles starting from the roof down.  I didn’t scramble the eggs in the direction he wanted so he had to grab the fork and do it himself. He laughed at me if I tried to walk on the treadmill or exercise in any way. I tried to jog with him and even tried walking.  He got angry because my pace couldn’t keep up with him.  Bikeriding? No, that just didn’t go well either.  We couldn’t do anything together.

3 thoughts on “Games

  1. (woof…)

    hey, i actually know what all that is like. believe it or not, you are on a path of healing. you are facing your scars with great bravery. that by itself is a triumph of the heart.

    i recommend you thank yourself for facing this truth youre facing– and that you dedicate yourself to (gradually…) letting go of that past. believe me i understand that it feels like it will be with you forever. that is a possibility. but whats more than a possibility is that it will not be with you as strongly, as completely, as horribly.

    you can learn to love being you. it wont always be easy. you can take your wheelbarrow of doubt and self-doubt and a plastic toy shovel, and occasionally shovel off a little of that weight, back to where it belongs– not on you. its not easy to let go of– its not easy to lift. but it is easier to gradually get rid of it, than it is to carry with you.

    friends will come and go– but friends will come. the more you be a friend (like youre doing now) to yourself, the more you will find what you are looking for. i wont tell you to be strong– you *are* strong. i wont tell you to be patient– you are patient. i wont tell you to do the right thing– you are doing the right thing. i will tell you: keep being you. you get better at it every day. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • i wrote this with you in mind: you somewhat inspired it.

        its not meant to be read as “advice.” i know thats the easiest way to interpret it. the most accurate way (according to the author) is “i love you,” or “i wish you love, and healing.” of course how you ultimately intepret it is up to you. and most of all– it is not a suggestion for anyone (especially you) to be careless. if i were to give you advice, it would be to avoid people that are bipolar, narcissistic or borderline as much as you possibly can. but that too, is a wish i have for you. ❤


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