Being Nothing

You internally battle yourself every day.  You wonder who you are because you never had an opportunity to find out.  You have low self esteem.  Your sense of self worth doesn’t just suddenly rise because you climbed out of the hole. Those dirt walls still surround you.  You struggle every minute of every hour of every day.  Your harsh self judgement and negative view of yourself and your abilities attack your confidence like a swarm of bees on a honeycomb.  They invade and fill every space in your brain.   No one understands your torment because physically you look normal. Yet your mind is full of every disparaging comment he ever shouted at you or whispered in your ear in a low steely tone while he pinned you up against a wall. You are a broken mirror facing the world.  Jagged shards of your psyche surround you,  At your feet, they reflect the sadness, guilt, unworthiness, depression, and anxiety you feel. Your palms bleed as your fists clench sharp pieces tightly, while you try to find confidence in yourself everywhere you go. No one understands your inner tug of war. It doesn’t show when someone looks at you. It’s not visual like an item of clothing you wear   They didn’t endure the torment and programming you did. It’s easy to judge someone from the outside looking in.  Anyone can say “If I were you, I would have …” or “Why didn’t you just..  .?” When it’s your survival, it’s all you can do to just survive.  The shame is tremendous.  You just feel so incredibly stupid, embarrassed, and ashamed.   You carry it with you, buried deep, and it surfaces in a myriad of ways in your every day life. It’s not an excuse. It’s a reason.  It’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. It is just a sum of your experiences that made you into you. If you could, you would write the words handle with care, and don’t judge me on your forehead so that everyone you met would understand how fragile you are.

Someone asked me one day what I did, what I enjoyed, what I was about. I just stood there stammering for an answer that didn’t exist. My answer literally was “I am nothing, I don’t do anything.”  Even I realized how pathetic I sounded as I spoke the words aloud. It happened again a few months later.  I was at a birthday party for a friend and meeting new people.  Someone randomly asked me what I did?  Again I could only say words to the effect of “Nothing, I don’t do anything. I’m not anything.”

You have an uphill battle to change that..  It’s a daily struggle that words aren’t adequate to explain.  It’s just a matter of unlocking yourself. You alone hold the key.

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