Criticism and Judgement

Being married to a bipolar/mentally ill person is being constantly judged, condemned blamed, and criticized. Everything you do is looked down on with harsh disapproval.  You become brainwashed.  It’s the constant drip, drip, drip of the faucet.  Fault is found in every word you speak.  You become mute. You are trapped in your silent mind, afraid to say the wrong thing. A single word, expression, or eye movement is a flint that sparks a fire that grows out of control. His eyes reflect the raging inferno within him that won’t stop until it scorches every single bit of earth, lights up every tree like a torch one by one and destroys everything in it’s path.  You are not exempt. You are a scared animal running through the blackened wilderness of his mind  There is never an escape. He professes to love you, but treats you worse than any other human on the planet. It just confuses you so much.  You waste so much of your life trying to understand. It isn’t you though. It’s him, his mental issues.  He has a free pass because he is bipolar.Society gives his behavior a label and it becomes an excuse.

Do you know that he treated our dog much better than me?  Not to say the dog was exempt from his rages.  He definitely took abuse too.  The last few years, he had the dog sleep between us in bed under the covers and would be all snuggled up to him all night.  He would snarl at me to scoot over because I was crowding them.  Just bizarre! Yes, and hurtful too.  We also had a huge safe to store my jewelry, important documents, and his gun collection in.  One day he actually told me to get my stuff out of his safe because his friend wanted to keep some things in there.  I told him absolutely not! I did on rare occasions stand up for myself.  Another great example of his disdain for me was when he tiled our master bath shower and was showing it off to a neighbor.  At least a year had passed and it still needed the faucet.  He actually pointed at me and said he hadn’t installed the hardware because he didn’t want me to be able to use it and ruin it. That coming from the man that is supposed to love and cherish me. That is not how you treat the person you care most about. He could treat strangers politely. He was nice to people at work or at the bank.  He could even chat politely to someone walking a dog past our house.  Not me though. Not the person that took care of his every need for thirty plus years.  I devoted those years to making him as happy and healthy as I possibly could.  It definitely wasn’t about my happiness.  Everything was him.  Every action I took, every word I spoke, every thing I did, was all about him and his mood.  He used to kick me in his sleep.  He would actually purposefully bend his leg back and kick me. Yes, it hurt.  I would have a bruise from it.  He always said he was dreaming that I cheated on him or that I did something to make him mad in his dream so he would kick me to get even.  Bizarre! Right? I mean, who does that.  He got nothing but loving behavior from me.  I tried so hard every minute, hour, and day to please him.  There was really no me.  I didn’t exist at all in our marriage.  He would completely disagree of course.  He would say the opposite, that he did everything for me.  That I was impossible to please.  That he had to sacrifice for me.  We haven’t spoken in a year and he is still the victim. Recently he left an ugly one and a half minute voicemail for our daughter.  You can hear the resistance and anger, his victim tone in his voice. He blames his girls and myself for.. I’m not even sure what really.  He drove away and left us. He took actions to ensure he was no longer connected to us in any way.  He lied, stole from his girls and myself, played the victim with anyone who will listen and on social media, and still is vengeful.. I didn’t do anything.  I have never tried to get even or hurt him. Silence has been my only and best weapon.  I wish him well ,I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t have to take his abuse or be responsible for his bad behavior ever again.  It is done.

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