Insanity, Madness, Mental Illness, Crazy, Personality disorder, Bipolar, a label doesn’t change the outcome or behavior. Neither does an official diagnosis. .There is no cure. Medication only lessons the severity of some of the symptoms. You can’t manage his medication for him. He must want to help himself. You can’t change him. You can’t help him. He will hurt you. His madness is incurable. Most of the time, he believes he is being perfectly logical. If you add multiple disorders, as in my husband’s situation, everything is compounded. Our marriage never had a chance, it wasn’t my fault…..but the guilt remains. I wonder at times if he feels guilt. Somehow I think it’s there in a tiny box locked up in his brain, put away, never to be accessed.
Recently, someone asked me if I was still in love with him. Immediately and unequivocally I answered no! It really started me thinking though. After great reflection, I realized I actually never was in love with him. I was more in love with the idea of being in love. I had no experience. Love is complicated and has many facets. It can seem brilliant and shiny like a diamond, but somewhere deep inside the center is a flaw. It’s not just a simple declaration of words. I definitely don’t believe he was truly ever in love with me either. We were so young and naive . His mental illness always took priority throughout our entire relationship. I confused my devotion and dedication with love. Kissing him was flat, sex with him was flat. Watching a movie, going to the beach, or a restaurant was just flat. Life had no passion. From the beginning it was only about his mental illness, bizarre behaviors, and making it through one day to the next. He taught me what love isn’t. It’s tough to look at the sum total of your life and realize you spent it in a hamster wheel spinning but going nowhere.