I am Not Him

What I want understood by people is that I am not him.  I am not responsible for him. I have no control over him.  Will he stalk me?  Will he hurt me? How could I possibly know the answers? Will I die of a virus? Cancer? Be killed by a drunk driver? Drown?  I can’t foresee the future. I can’t worry about what might happen because it also might not happen. I am treated as if I can somehow predict his behavior.  I am punished for having been associated with him, for marrying him, for being naive, for being a loving, caring wife to him. No one knows what any one else will do ever. That includes me. I am not him.He makes his own choices everyday as we all do.  I feel I am viewed through a lens covered with the residue of his bad behavior. I don’t want people to see him when they are looking at me. I want to be seen for who I am. Do not judge me by who or what he is, see me. At any given moment we are surrounded by mental illness, at the bank, the grocery store, or the dentist.  Every where! No one knows what cross section of the population is mentally ill.  My guess is a very large number.  Sadly. Not everyone is dangerous though.  Thankfully.  I think just a small percentage are a danger to themselves or others.  Unfortunately many go undiagnosed.  Their loved ones know though. Their teachers know. Their neighbors and friends know.  There is just not much we can do, except remove ourselves from the equation.  I gave my marriage 100% til the moment I couldn’t.  I gave him everything and he took it greedily.  My guilt lies in the forever damage to my girls. We are all covered in the after effects of his behavior like white sheets that become worn and dingy over years.We will never be like we were before.

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