We were going to bed and I hadn’t slept well in months.  It was a particularly difficult time dealing with a restraining order filed against him by his own police department, lawyers, and court for months. I was just so exhausted.  There was nothing inside me. I just needed sleep one night. I did it, I took a sleeping pill the doctors offered.  I just needed 6 hours of being dead to the world.  We shut off the lights and went to bed.  Moments later….Chirp! He instantly jumped off the bed and threw on the lights.  He was on a mission to find the cricket in our bedroom.  He got a chair to stand on and began dismantling the heating grate by the ceiling because the cricket had to be in there.  I could feel the curtain coming down and the dullness of my brain shutting down. The sleeping pill was doing it’s thing.  I stood and begged him to please just be calm.  I couldn’t help solve this problem or talk him down.  I was just sinking in a tunnel..I vaguely remember laying on the bed knowing I would be out in a few more seconds as he was ripping things out from under it because now of course, that’s where the cricket had to be.  Then blissful sleep.  I don’t really know what happened but the world still existed when I woke up and I didn’t have to experience the anxiety and hours of a manic episode.  It was like a mini vacation I guess.  When I am present, I feel such a need to protect and control the situation and environment, to solve and fix and cure the issue.  Taking a sleeping pill just made it all disappear for a short time so once in a great while, I would allow myself that luxury of sleep without fear, worry , and anxiety.  I couldnt in good conscience with my girls home leave them to deal with the episodes, but, if they were gone… once in a while…I had to give my mind and body a rest.

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