Fishbowl

From the very beginning, you are confused and just keep trying to understand. He keeps telling you his behavior is your fault.  It’s you that makes him so mad that he behaves the way he does.  You are the cause. You just believe him.  You live in a fishbowl. You easily assume the blame. You carry the burden of fault.  You spend years trying to figure out what it is you are doing to make him so angry. You feel guilty.  You feel stupid and confused. You just don’t get it. You try so hard.  You believe his words and doubt yourself. You circle in your fishbowl. There must be something you are doing that is causing his anger.  If only you could just figure it out.  What’s the word or the action or the look that sets him off? You go over and over in your mind every episode to try and figure out the catalyst that brings out his worst….but there’s nothing.  You search your heart in earnest trying to solve the puzzle. What’s wrong with you to elicit such violent rage in him?  It has to be you.  It can only be you.  You are the only common denominator in the equation.  The only constant.  You bear witness to every episode.  You are at the epicenter of every earthquake.  It makes sense.  It has to be you.  There’s no other logical answer.  You.   Just you….and you are crushed.  Everyday you are beaten down.  You become numb and resolved to just accept that you are the reason. You keep circling in your fish bowl.  His angry words are a chisel pounding you down hit by virtual hit until you are nothing. Every hole in the wall or door of every place you have ever lived punctuates the decay of your essence. The walls are great keepers of secrets. They bear witness to every fist and object thrown and contain the echoes of your misery.. You are a horrible person, a horrible wife, a horrible human being.  You lose everything; your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your innocence, your magic that makes you who you are.  You have a hard time making decisions.  You doubt everything. You are completely dependent on him and what he thinks. You live for just one compliment….just one…. it never comes.  You never get that tiny bit of nourishment like a pinch of fish food thrown in the fish bowl.   And you starve….

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s